Guys I know most of you dont live here (phoenix) and probably don't really care about anything going on around here but I need to ask. This week through the 26th I will be collecting change and donations for the Phoenix Childrens Hospital. These donations will go to building a NEW FREESTANDING Childrens Hospital. Phoenix is the largest Metro area without a freestanding childrens hospital. This new project is criticial because without it there just is not enough room.
I would like to tell you why this is so important to me. My youngest son has a severe siezure disorder. When he was 18 months old he almost died Christmas eve.(Please look at the back sulisvision weblogs to read the rest of the story it was published around christmas 2000) The poeple at Phoenix Childrens Hospital saved my sons life and for that I will be forever in their debt.
So please if you can spare anything donate money to this very worthy cause you can send checks or money orders to
PCH Foundation
1300 N. 12th Street, Suite 404
Phoenix, AZ 85006-2896
Phone: 602-239-5681
Fax: 602-239-2927
or you can use the secure form
here to send money by credit card. Make sure you put referred by Sv-Tv in the comment field on the check or in the comment field on the form.
Thanks for helping out I really appreciate it. Pass this information on to as many people as you think might help we can use all the help we can get.
kisses sulis
baby take a bow: Seems like time is running out for me. Anyday now the people for the car are going to reposess the car. I am gonna cry because I love my car. It is the first car I have ever had that was only mine. I am the only person really who has driven it. I got the thing when it was still wrapped up in plastic. it had 2 miles on it. It kills me thinking about it. I just don't know what to do anymore. I hav e played all my cards and have come up drastically short. My frucking unemployment didnt even come in. It is so damn upsetting. what am i supposed to do about that. I did everything they told me to do now all I can do is wait till they get their act together and pay me. in the meantime everything i own slips out of my hands.
Well yesterday was a long day and somewhat of a good day. I spent 5 hours interviewing for a job with Talent tree. They have decided that according to my advanced access, word,excel, and powerpoint skills, my resume and interview that I should be an admin. So sometime this week I interview for the Director of a Call Center. I hope I get it. I know I can do the job. I mean it is a lot of responsibility to be the captian of the ship but it is what I enjoy doing. The Office test where annoying as hell. They where on a computer that still had Dos on it. It took forever to go through each question and it didnt recognize half the shortcuts that I normally use. I will never work for a company that has that antiquated systems. Unless they give me full rights to upgrade the system to something usable.
Even though it does seem that I have been whining alot latley, I am feeling alot better in general. I know things are tough right now. But I know that I can accomplish everything I need to accomplish eventually. I am moving forward toward my dreams. Now if I can find funding for 5,000 to 10,000 I could make a go of it. It is infuriating, not to be able to get a loan when you know if you just had that loan everthing will be ok. Sometimes banks are so stupid. Is there anything that I can do? Does anybody out there know someone who has a that kinda money, and is willing to take a chance on me?
I know you guys are probably sick of seeing lyrics but music is what makes me tick. so here is the song I identify the most with right now. travis tritt
Its a great day
Love, Sulis feeling goodabout the future despite all that is happening in the present
I got rice cooking in the microwave
Got a three day beard I don't plan to shave
And it's a goofy thing but I just gotta say
Hey I'm doing alright
Yeah I think I'll make me some homemade soup
Feelin pretty good and that's the truth
It's neither drink nor drug induced
No I'm just doin alright
Chorus:
And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neigborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?
It's been fifteen years since I left home
Said good luck to every seed I'd sown
Give it my best and then I left it alone
Oh...I hope their doin alright
Now I look in the mirror and what do I see?
A lone wolf there starin back at me
Long in the tooth but harmless as can be
Lord I guess he's doin alright
Chorus
Sometimes it's lonely
Sometimes it's only me
And the shadows that fill this room
Sometimes I'm fallin
Desperately callin
Howlin at the moon...
Ahwoo!
Ahwoo!
Well I might go get me a new tattoo
Or take my old Harley for a three day cruise
Might even grow me a Fu Man Chu...
Oh Aww!
Chorus (2 x's)
Heard this song yesterday and it reminded me that if I want things to happen I need to make them happen. (those inclined to read things into the lyrics I choose the song becuase of the survivor tones not for anything else)
I just need to remember when it seems like nothing is working out, how much i really have and remember to keep on fighting for what I want. I once lost my dreams and now I feel them slowly returning to me. I feel almost whole again. more on that later
love and kisses
sulis
DESTINY'S CHILD LYRICS
"Survivor"
Now that you're out of my life
I'm so much better
You thought that I'd be weak without you
But I'm stronger
You thought that I'd be broke without you
But I'm richer
You thought that I'd be sad without you
I laugh harder
You thought I wouldn't grow without you
Now I'm wiser
Though that I'd be helpless without you
But I'm smarter
You thought that I'd be stressed without you
But I'm chillin'
You thought I wouldn't sell without you
Sold 9 million
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
Thought I couldn't breathe without
I'm inhaling
You thought I couldn't see without you
Perfect vision
You thought I couldn't last without you
But I'm lastin'
You thought that I would die without you
But I'm livin'
Thought that I would fail without you
But I'm on top
Thought it would be over by now
But it won't stop
Thought that I would self destruct
But I'm still here
Even in my years to come
I'm still gon be here
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause my mama taught me better than that
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
(Beyonce)
Oh (oh) oh (oh)..
.
After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)
wohooooo I am finally a auntie. 10 am this morning in Hawaii my little sister gave birth to my new nephew kaylab jordan,6 llbs and 13ozs 19.5 inches long. way to go sis.
People and places I've missed: I don't exactly know what it is about May but it seems that everything seems to happen about this time of the year. Good or bad Spring seems to bring us all back to our roots. If you all remember it was this time a year that PoMa came to stay with me. It was also the time that I took my first trip back to Cali in 7 years. This month has just began and already things are getting interesting. I have talked to people and seen people I haven't seen in month or even years.
I am currently without a means of income and unable to pay my rent. I am feeling more alone then ever. Even with all these people around I just don't feel like I really have anyone to mesh with anymore. Please don't take any offense if you are part of my life, I love that you are there I just don't feel like I have a connection with anyone anymore. Everyones lives are taking them in a different direction then towards me. Or maybe it is just that my life is taking me in a different direction then towards you. The funny part is that I enjoy the direction I see my life going now. I just wish I could get that feeling of safety and love back. Its not you guys its me.
I am not happy with the choices ahead of me and I am very very needy when it comes to affections. I miss being kissed and hugged and loved and yes fucked. Knowing that I am loved and wanted and wanting that person just as much. I just don't feel that connection in my life anymore and it makes me sad. I don't know what to do to get it back. All I know is being pissed at the world and crying every few days is not working for me. It goes against my very nature. Damnit Sulis is a Happy Girl!
I have been so busy with the kids I now part of the problem is not taking the time to care for myself. I have been on 4 field trips and 2 events in the last 3 weeks. I am exhausted and happy all at the same time. I love my kids. I want nothing more then for them to have everything they could possibly want. Course my oldest has decided that he doesn't love me anymore and wants to be as far away from me as possible. God that is so hard to hear from someone you love. It seems to be a recurring theme lately.
I think I will share with you a bit of my written diary I wrote the other night when I was feeling particularly upset about this issue.
Sulis diary entry 01MAY01:Once Soul was talking about rules and that just because you try to do the right thing doesn't mean that you should not be punished for it turning out wrong. For as the saying goes The road to hell is paved with good intentions. That is where I am on my way to hell. I try to show everyone love and compassion, to treat people the way I want to be treated. But it seems that I am greatly missing the mark.
A recurring theme has reared its ugly head this last few weeks. It has been brought to my attention by several people I won't name but they know who they are. That everyone I have ever been in contact with I have hurt, destroyed , or otherwised made thier life miserable. From my mother, right doewn to my children.
It seems my whole life has been one fucked up decision after another. Requireing me to spend my entire life playing cleanup for myself.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean I think that I am good person. I give my love unconditionally. I try to make the people in my life happy. What am I doing wrong? Why is that the more I love someone the more fucked up I make them feel? Am I stupid? Deficent in some way? Somehow unworthy of anyones love, unworthy of happiness?
As you can see I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself and makeing exscuses for why I should feel sorry for myself. Personally not a very attractive trait. So I guess what I really have to do is as kimiko is found of saying "deal". Try to act the way I want to feel and maybe it will happen. Or as TxAngel4Ever says
"Just take it one day at a time.btw she is a total sweetie and has helped me deal with some really tough hard feelings in the last few months. She has been more of a mom then I think I have ever had.
Thank you TxAngel4Ever and Happy Mother's Day!
Anyways, for the next few weeks I will be fervently searching for new job. Wish me luck. I can use all the luck you can spare. Which reminds me on a page I surfed to from Souls page I found a quote that really struck me as true.
Id rather have a life then a living
And with that quote I shall leave you. Y'all don't forget to write. Love and kisses, sulis
What the last few month have taught me: Happiness is what you make of it. If you want to be happy you have to do what makes you happy. Waiting for someone else to MAKE you happy is stupid and a waste of time and will ultimately leave you unhappy.
Sometime you have to let go of the things you care about because it is the right thing to do. Sometimes people are just not working out together. (Even worse are endangering each other or others with their relationship) It is ok to step back and take stock in what is important to you and protect those things and people.
Often the people who think we are the meanest to them don’t realize that we do the things we do for their own good. I think time with teach them that.
I really miss being submissive. There is a hole inside me that is filled by being of service to someone I truly feel is Dominant to me. I find myself doing things for people of no consequence because I am trying to get some sense of that feeling of accomplishment from it.
Funny life is never what I thought it would be. I find myself at 30 a single mother of 3 with no Dom and soon no job, but stupidly for the most part happier then I have been in a long time. I fill my time with work, looking for a new job, planning for the future, taking care of my family (more comments on that later), and trying to make peace with the rest of the world.
I miss spending time chatting with the gang and being on cam. I am hoping when and if I finally get settled down and things start to have an order to them to put the site back up. I have already worked with some friends to rework the site, putting more information and more insight into what makes me tick now that I don’t have to hide what I am feeling.
Anyways the point of this is to tell you all where I am going in life. I started a exercise routine I will post it soon, I am working with a nutritionist to create a diet that the kids can be on that will also keep me from being sick and will deal better with my anemia. I am changing how I do things for my family so that I can get the sense of being of service without having to do things for people who really don’t deserve it. This includes maintaining higher standards of housekeeping, childrearing, personal appearance, learning new things and maintaining my knowledge base, etc. I will be writing more on this as time proceeds.
Well, I need to get going talk again soon, hugs and kisses sulis
