Monday, October 30, 2000

Parents: Can't live with them Don't want to live without them.Went for our weekly visit with Mom and Dad. Normal thing pretty enjoyable I know the kids love it. I would enjoy it more if I didnt always feel like I have a freaking agenda when I go out there. I mean I am tired and I really just want to go out there and veg in the wonderful sunlight or sit on the swing in the breeze. But mom has to go on the freaking guilt trips all the freaking time come out and visit with us. Why are you talking on your phone? Dont you care about your family. FUCK!!!!!! (OH shit I am not supposed to say that word or she will get mad at me tfb) All I know is she thinking she can freaking bully me or shame me into doing whatever she wants me to do. thats just fucked up. She sat there last night and told me that my mom was right about me. FUCK them let them think whatever the fuck they want to think about me. I just want to have a good life. I just want to feel normal and happy and have my kids feel normal and happy. Why is that soooo wrong. I am working my ass off to get somewhere at my job trying desperatly to make a life for my kids. To pay off the debt that I have so I can make a life for them. A normal life full of kids things. Girl scouts and slumber parties skateboards and telephones and lots and lots of toys and friends. Yes I will tell you now and I will tell you again I have fucked up alot in the last 16 years I have made many many choices I should have never made. I have done some things in the quest to be pleaseing to my husband that made me hate him so vehemently that i was willing to go against who I was and what I believed in to hurt him. In all that time I have always love him and always cared about him wanted him to be happy and content and follow his dreams. I Have struggled with the pain of watching a great man who has a lot of potential squander that away because he didnt have faith in who he is. Because I was trying so hard to hurt him that I shook the foundation of who he was. I take total blame for this. It brings me no comfort to know that had i just choosen to stay in Morgan Hill that things would be much much different. My family would still be my family I would prolly be a orthopedic surgeon and Tal would be soooo much more then he is right now. Yet i choose to struggle I have 3 beautiful childeren in the process but i realized that we are destroying them too. I dont want to cause anyone anymore pain but it seems that no matter what i choose to do and believe me the choice has already been made I am gonna hurt someone. I wish I could make changes in my life without hurting anyone but my friends piss my family off and my family pisses my friends off. I need them both and I honestly wish they could all get along. It seems that everyone seems to know who SULIS is but they dont.I am not who you see I am a scared little girl who wants the people in her life to be happy. Who wants the american dream. Who wants to be the one and only of a great guy( yes i said guy despite what all of you might think I dont need woman. They fill an emotional void a tenderness I dont consistantly have in my one(yeah i said one I am definetly a one man woman) love. The woman in my life make me feel beautiful and sexy and powerful. They give me that sense of unconditional love that i miss in my life. I dont want to need that sexually. To be honest I always feel a little guilty when i am with a woman alot of the pleasure of it is knowing that my man finds it attractive. It pleases him to see two woman together. I like to see the fire in his eyes at even the thought of it. I know its wrong and I know i shouldnt do that but the sub in me wants to know he is pleased with me. I guess what i am saying is I want to have a good job beautiful children a full varied life and have everyone happy. The whole white picket fence and roses kinda things. I dont think its a bad thing that I want that for my kids. I could give up everything for them and i will if i have too. So please all of you pray for me and my family that things work out that i make the right decisions and that i follow through with them despite my fears. Life is way to short for regrets. ITs time to live time to "DWYGD!!!" love and kisses and sweet dreams sulis ps to all of those people who are joining the sulis family Welcome and I cant wait to read what ya have on your mind. Life just wouldnt be the same without all of you in my life. BLOG ON!

posted by digitalsulis @ 10/30/2000 09:31:00 AM