WARNING!!!!! DO NOT READ ON IF YOU DON'T WANT TO REALLY KNOW WHAT I AM THINKING!
This is my last an final warning to everyone. As far as I am concerned If you are in my life and you are not helping then you are part of the problem. If you are part of the problem then you need to make a choice:
1. Shape up and stay in my life and be part of the solution.
or
2. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY WAY!
Pretty simple concept you would think. I don't think everyone gets it. I don't want people around me that can't make up their fucking minds about who and what they are. Who can't buy a fucking clue about how to treat friends and family. OR who just have no fucking hope for the future.
life is tooo short for all this crap around me. ENOUGH WITH THE GUILT TRIPS!! I have things to do with my life and lessons to learn and to be honest I am really tired of feeling guilty for it. The guilt has been so bad at some points that it was paralyzing. I found myself doing and saying things that I never though I would ever do or say. I started hating myself. Why not it seemed that everyone I loved and looked up to thought I was fucked up and hated me?
These last couple of weeks I have spent looking at my life and trying to figure out where I lost control of it. WHere I lost respect for myself. Where I lost the respect of those I respected. How did it happen. What can I do to correct my mistakes. Should I try to correct those mistakes or should I just move on? Well I am still trying to figure that out. So keep watching to see where my thoughts go on this one.
Have some thoughts. send em
Ok happy happy joy joy!!! I have had a bunch of interviews over the last couple of days and looks like I will be having a bunch more. Have a semi-firm offer for a position that will pay me what i need and is on the west side. Of course now that I have settled into the idea that I am doomed to move to the east side.
I am sooooo close to graduating and I am getting a bit antsy. I Don't really want things to chang because I have just now gotten used to my schedule. NOw I am gonna have to change it all around again. Oh well. The position I am looking at is m-f 8-5 which is freaking awsome because It gives me my weekends to do stuff. woohooo having my weekend free again will be awsome. Having normal people hours again will be nice too. I really can't wait till I am away from Worldcomm. Dont get me wrong its been a cool place to work and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to get some good experience before you head out into the real world but its getting annoying and I am really not looking forward to dealing with honrey customers all the time anymore. I know now that I really want to go back to doing html.
Speaking of which I am really excited about this website I am working on. I have a bunch of plans for it and don't know where to go with it. Going to set up a meeting with the owners so we can decide which direction is the best way to go about dealing with this site.
Also deep thought for the day. Why is it phychotic to love someone? I mean when you love someone and you want to be around them and you are sad when you cant why is that phychotic? I mean where do you go from normal to phychotic when it comes to love. I am seriously wondering this. I honestly thought all my life that with a few exceptions where I didnt care anymore I have always been pretty sane. It was brought to my attention last night by the lovely and every missing kat that I have been slightly phychotic for some time. like 15 years. How could I have missed something like that? That my own friends think that I am crazy? Wierd.
I dont know what to think anymore. Maybe I am insane and me wanting to change is part of that insanity. I know that I see things that I do that I dont like anymore. I am trying to stay focused and its becomming harder and harder to do as things get closer and closer to the completion. Studying and trying to get things done so I have more to offer my kids Is important to me. I know that now that I am so tired and so preoccupied that I am having trouble giving them everything they need. IT makes me sad. sometimes I will sit there in the morning and watch them sleeping wishing I could stay home with them and be mommy agian. Wishing that I could build forts and read books and swing on the swings at the parks with them. But that is the bad part about responsiblities I have to provide for them so I dont get to do the things they need with them. Life can be soooooo fucked up sometimes.
on a lighter note my rat babies growing soooo fast and I dont think I am getting rid of any of them.I named all but three. So here is my request for the day. Please pick 2 female and 1 male name for my rat babies. I'll choose from those I recieve and will give the results in here after I make my decisions. as always please email it to sulisvision@home.com.
well back to school see ya soon and congrats to Tats on her new job!!!!! ;) Miss you all in the Girl2 room did a plug for the site on kpty 103.9fm on Monday morning. Had fun doing it. And nice to meet everyone in the #submissionsexfun or something like that room on dalnet I enjoyed my visit and thanks for taking good care of PoMa for me (sweetnlow) and Emile giggles I am soooo sorry I just have known you for so long sweetie I can't see you as a Dom. But I love you anyways. You make PoMa happy so that is all that matters.
kisses and loves and sweet dreams from sulis
