sulisvision weblog

ok well i got most of the way through updateing the archives should be online sometime in the next two days as soon as i work out all the bugs in my code. damn I never knew I had so many pics. Well anyways I am off to school I dont have time to finish it. talk soon love ya, See ya sat BabyD be safe in Boston.

posted by digitalsulis @ 9/05/2000 05:10:00 PM

I am up early and rareing to work, soo you should see some new stuff on the site today, including (GASP!) picture archives. So keep checking up can't wait to talk to you all soon laters kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 9/05/2000 07:10:00 AM

HMMMM this week has been interesting I've learned alot about myself. I know more about why I have done and do some of the things I do. I found out more about why I have always feared driving on the freeway. I really thought that I was the only person who had the feelings I do about certain things.

I know my parents are gonna kill me for this but to know who I am you have to know where and how I grew up. Let me just say one thing here no matter what has happened between the two of us I love my mother very much. She is after all my mother. But having said that let me tell you that all through my childhood my mother was prone to wild mood swings. One minutes the perfect mother the next "Mommy Dearest". After about age 13 I felt like my mother hated me. I spent most of my life since thinking I was somehow to blame for my mothers mental issues. I know now that my dads anger and his drinking was a way to cope with living in a world where you have to walk on eggshells. Its very very hard to deal with when you really love the person that hurts you soo badly. (Just a side note regardless of the issues I am not suggesting in any way that it was any exscuse for his drinking or anything bad he may have done in his anger or when he was drunk. There is never an exscuse to hurt people or yourself)Hell I really don't have room to talk. Yes, I never turned to drugs or alcohol, but I hid from the world, gathered people around me that I knew would hurt me mentally or physically, pushed everyone away that was good for me, and ate to comfort myself. To somehow make the pain go away. I accepted people abusing my love, trust, everything, because I felt that I deserved it.

I know now that It is not tru that I deserve to be treated like that. Noone deserves to be mistreated. But anyways on to my revelation. I read a story recently about bipolar disease. The article was written by a mentally healthy woman who had lost her father and brother to suicide (the dark side of this disease)It made me feel so much safer knowing I wasnt the only one who feared wierd things. Specifically she mentioned several things that have plagued me for years. I have always feared driving on the freeway. For years I avoided it as much as possible. Recently I just forced myself to do it because its hard to get around otherwise. Especially on over passes. I feared that one day I would intentionally drive myself into the wall or over the side. the mental picture of it would roll through my brain and it felt so real so urgent, that sometimes I could taste the adrenaline.

The same thing would happen when I was standing on the top floor or a balcony I would see myself jumping and falling to my death. I feared that someday I was going to become bipolar too and that someday I would hurt myself or kill myself and not know that I needed help until it was too late. One particular hard day when I was pissed and saying things to Tal I prolly should not have said he zinged one back to me that cut me too the bone. He said you know your getting to be as crazy as your mother is. Damn did that hurt. I didnt know what to say I just stood there staring at him wondering why he would say that.

I know I have jokingly said that certain people think I am phscho but now I bet you all do. Its not my intention to make you think that I am crazy I just needed to acknowledge my fears so I can get past them. Everyone is afraid of something. What are you afraid of ?

I would never do any of the things that I mentioned above. I simply feared it. I had an irrational fear of hurting my children when they where young also. Even though I was incredibly careful with them at all times, I just always feared I was going to drop them. Of course I never did but the fear was real just the same.

Well anways the point is I now realize that my feelings and thoughts are not abnormal. I know now that I do need to settle things with my parents. For those of you who do not know I have not spoken to my mother for almost 9 years. I need to go see her and We need to settle this fight once and for all. I guess I just need to know that I at least tried to make things right.

On to lighter fair. I have not been on cam much because I have been really busy trying to get my life mor organized. (believe me after 5 years of neglect Its a huge undertaking)I have been slowly making changes on the site (I am learning Flash woohoo its sooooo cool thanks opie)I am also working on a couple of other website which I hope to let you guys see soon, An up and comming record label, a motorcycle manufacturer, and a new role playing game.So please don't be offended if I am busy or dont respond when you are messageing me. I may be working so please be patient with me please.

On the physical side: I am slowly trying to change my eating habits back. I am drinking more waterk eating less junk, eating smaller meals, walking an hour a day, lifting weights (which I really really enjoy I didnt know how much I missed it) stuff like that. Now that my schedule doesnt fluctuate i am feeling alot happier and healthier.

I got a new bed but I haven't set it up. its a california King waterbed. Once I have that and my other furniture set up. I will be able to move the computer into the bedroom with me. But.... No fair laughing at me if you catch me sucking my fingers or sleeping with my butt in the air like a little kid. I don't do those things but hey you never know what you do when you are sleeping. I dont know if I will have sound on at night only because I dont think you all want to hear me snore. Its bad I think I snore louder then Zoe does. (smiles and zoe you know I love ya girl).

Other then that things are looking pretty good. Letting go of all the stress in my life which is not an easy thing. But sometimes you just gotta do what ya gotta do. right?

the song for the day is garth brooks "Do what ya gotta do!"

well laters guys kisses and sweet dreams

posted by digitalsulis @ 9/04/2000 09:10:00 PM