Saturday, April 07, 2001

I Think Something is missing: Well If you where paying attention you would know that Sulivision.com is no more. It seems that the powers that be at good old Cox at home have seen fit to lose it for me. They have been trying to find it for a month now but to no sucess and somehow the "techs" over at the server farm don't seem to know how to do a search and delete the damn profile completely. Oh well. Gave me time to regroup and think about alot of things anyways while i have been fuming and working and sitting on intermidable hold for days on end. Good thing I have work to do or I would kill myself listening to that stupid lady tellme for the millioneth time how cool cox at home is.

Well The wedding was a sucess! My brother is now married and I have a new sister. She is pretty nice although a bit high strung. She looked beautiful and the whole thing just made me feel like the ugly duckly of the family. Course driving 12 hours in the middle of the night and cooking until 45 minutes before the wedding. Ever try to get 3 kids cleaned up and dressed in that amount of time. Not to mention that I was fully sunburned so makeup was pretty much nonexistant.

My dad made me cry, I miss him sooooo much and he grab me and hugged me crying when he first saw me. He told me I was still his favorite, and it broke my heart. I wish I could see him more. I know there are so many fucked up things that have happened between us in the past but he is the only daddy I know. The guy who taught me how to be tough. I don't want to miss any more of his life. It was funny looking at my dad again and seeing all the stubborness and sillyness that comes out in me sometimes. He is the main reason I don't drink or do drugs. My dad is a alcoholic. I know that should I choose to drink or do drugs I will become an alcoholic too.

My mom ran away. She still after 10 years is not ready to deal with me. She kept looking at me on the sly. She walked by me several times during the reception and touched my arm but nothing more. She finally took a card and flowers from me so its a step. I watched as she danced and played with the children that was what was most important to me. She couldn't resist her grandchildren's charms.

My daughter reminded me once again why I didn' t want to have a girl. Dont get me wrong I love her to death and wouldn't trade her for the world. I wanted her and tried for her and her name even says that. It means little girl we wished for in gaelic. But watching her at the wedding was like standing in a time capsule and watching myself. I think even she got tired of hearing everyone say she was little jc. She is just entering puberty, so her body just isnt in control right now. She is a ham like I have always been and inquisitive as hell. She met my grandma and had to ask just what it means to be a witch? How do I explain to her such complex concepts as a religion that she may not want to tell her friends about if she doesnt want to be ridiculed in this mormon state.

My oldest abandoned me. He left for lake tahoe with his uncle and aunt for a month of work and snow boarding. Can't say I blame him. Every child in my family has spent at least a year with them. They can't have their own kids so they kinda just take all of us family kids in when we need a little change. He is doing well, even has a temp job and is going to mexico with the church.

Other then that I really didnt get to do much out there. Boy did I hear about it when I got back. I didnt take the babies to see great grandma and the cousins (on Tal's side) It was exhuasting and I wanted to sleep for a week when I got back but it was worth all the flack I got for going. I was able to deal with some issues that have been holding me back for years.

I have more to say but I am getting a little tired so i will post again tommorrow. kisses sulis

posted by digitalsulis @ 4/07/2001 11:42:00 PM