sulisvision weblog

An apology: Zero I am gonna say this once and once only. I love Poma, I have loved her for a long time. She means the world to me. I will admit that I have jokeingly said some things about her that may have been considered in poor taste. For that I am sorry. I was teasing you and not her. Poma knows how I feel about her. I will tell her anything I say out of her ear shot to her face and she knows that. I am open with her are you? Poma let me just say that the toy name was something that started when Dark sir was making fun of how much I like to play with you he started calling you my toy just like he starting calling comic puppy. Comic grew out of his puppy nick he is now just who he is. and You my darling are ready to move from Toy to poma and then hopefully to your real name. The truth be known even Dark sir calls you by your name now. Last night we where just teasing Zero and I admit that it was in poor taste to say what I did for that I am truly sorry, You know that I do not feel that way about the situation. I am glad that you guys learned to love eachother. I never would have introduced you to her if I thought for a moment that I would perpetuate the numbers. Salt and pepper shakers remember.
Laughing Just say it. Talent, thanks for saying you are proud of me I dont know what to say about that. Well I do but right now I am still sore aobut the discussion last night so I am having problems appreciateing the compliment. Lexa I know where my priorties are we have both discussed the before so do not worry about that. Everyone else sorry for the moodiness this too shall pass.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12/16/2000 10:23:00 AM

Anger, love, friendship and wanting it all: Can I say I am fucking pissed right now. I am soooo pissed I Don't know how to put what it is that is pissing me off. I feel like I have all these fucking selfish people around me. Give me attention, give me love, they talk about how much they love me but I don't feel it all the time. Their love is conditional to what they are getting out of it. I mean oh fuck I dont know what I mean it makes fucking sense in my screwed up head. Maybe, I should follow my own favorite piece of advice: "maybe if everyone else is fucked up maybe the problem is actually you"

Maybe the problem is me. I expect everyone around me to have the same moral and sensiblities that I have. To know that friends and family are important and love is sacred. That family is the people who care about us not just the people who hold our blood. That you can't have all the love and all the fucking attention when you want it but have everyone turn their back when you don't, When people care about you they care good and bad. They tell you when you fuck up, they try to stear you away from it. They want you to be happy but they keep an eye on the big picture not the landscape you are currently caught up with. Those poeple will always be there for you even when all the rest disappear and trust me those of you who know what I am talking about they always disapear eventually usually when you need them the most.

Right now I feel lost in the landscape, not really knowing who is really part of my family and who is not. What I want around me and what I do not. What I really want is everyone to get the fuck along, to stop feeling fucking sorry for themselves, to be part of the fucking family with a whole heart not just their little toe, to get their fucking acts together and maybe we can be great together. I know I would have not choosen all of you to be around me If i did not see a spark of greatness in you. You are all intelligent, beautiful, loving people who right now are acting like spoiled rotten little kids.

lately I have heard one of you tell me that I am always busting his balls about doing the things he is supposed to be doing, I have heard one of you tell me that family is only blood and fuck everyone else, I have heard one of you say that they want everyone to get the fuck out of there business, and yet another say they where not sure what they wanted. Fuck this Do you know what you are all doing to me. Specially those who I consider my family. you are all killing me. You cant expect me to be the carein loving mommy and turn my back on you when you want to fuck up. I cant do that, I refuse to turn my back on you and let youi continue to dance to stupidity that I see going on all around me. Doesnt anyone see that all this dance is leading to is pain and suffering. Why, I am I the bad guy for wanting us all to be happy and all of us to have all the things that we want and need, weather that is a motorcycle, all their bills paid, a family, or even Berkeley or Stanford or any other wonderful school that you fucking deserve to be going to.

fuck fuck fuck I have to go back to work maybe if I barrey my head in this work everything will all work itself out and I wont have to feel the pain any more.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12/15/2000 09:32:00 AM

Chain of love: Lately there has been alot of talk about unconditional love and poeple being good or bad people. Poma said she doesnt beleive that their is unconditional love. I think that is bullshit. I honestly believe that TRUE LOVE must be unconditional in nature. IF you cant accept the ones you love for who they are then you dont really love them. That is not to say that you should accept people hurting you or doing mean or bad things to you or others. You can love someone deeply and not be able to be around them at all. You can love someone and not want them to do drugs or hurt themselves. The love is there you love them despite the problems but you do what you have to do to protect you and others from harm. I love you Poma dispite yourself. There has been times when you have hurt me almost worse then anyone has ever hurt me. You have disappointed me and yourself and that is what really hurts. You remind me soooo much of myself at your age and you have sooooo much going for you I envy all your choices.Haveing said these things to you now you are probably mad at me. I am very sorry. even through all that YOu have brought me soo much joy too. I hope you forgive me for saying these things. I wanted you to know how much you mean to me that I Do love you despite everything because I know in your heart you are a wonderful intelligent loving sexy woman who deserves more then you are allowing yourself to have. Unconditioinal love it real its all around you darling just look at the faces you see everyday.
For the rest of you here is my Christmas wish for you the following clay walker song hit a chord with me because it exemplifies my beliefs. its called Chain of love. What have you dont lately to strengthen the Chains of love?

He was drivin' home one evening in his beat-up Pontiac
When an old lady flagged him down; her Mercedes had a flat
He could see that she was frightened standin' out there in the snow
'Til he said I'm here to help you, ma'am, by the way, my name's Joe


She said I'm from St. Louis, and I'm only passin' through
I musta seen a hundred cars go by, this awful nice of you
When he changed the tire and closed her trunk and was about to drive away
She said how much do I owe you? Here's what he had to say


You don't owe me a thing
I've been there too
And someone once helped me out
Just the way I'm helpin' you
If you really want to pay me back, here's what you do:
Don't let the chain of love end with you


Well a few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe
She went in to grab a bite to eat and then be on her way
But she couldn't help but notice how the waitress smiled so sweet
And how she must have been eight months along and dead on her feet


No she didn't know her story, and she probably never will
When the waitress went to get her change from a hundred dollar bill
The lady slipped right out the door and on a napkin left a note
There were tears in the waitress' eyes when she read what she wrote


You don't owe me a thing
I've been there too
And someone once helped me out
Just the way I'm helpin' you
If you really want to pay me back, here's what you do:
Don't let the chain of love end with you


That night when she got home from work, the waitress climbed into bed
She was thinkin' about the money and what the lady's note had said
As her husband lay there sleepin' she whispered soft and low
Everything's gonna be all right; I love you … Joe.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12/13/2000 04:49:00 PM

Tattoos, collars, and other markings: It seems the ideas of markings oneself and ones property has come up alot lately. It made me think about why making a mark on the flesh means so much to people. Is it not enough to mark ones heart. I mean If you own someones heart why do you need to make it obviose to everyone else by making a physical markings on the other person. On the other hand I find myself wanting to be marked wanting to mark another. Why? To say That its MINE MINE MINE MINE. That I belong to someone that loves me sooo much, that a mark that lasts forever seems the only rational thing to do. So many reasons some of them almost infantile in nature.
I dont know why this is hitting me so hard. Feeling a little distant and lost right now searching for something concrete knwing that unless both hearts grow up nothing will ever be concrete.
Oh this reminds me Comic go for the shadow of tornup wings with a brand of fallen angel written in hebrew or sanskrit. As for me I will wait till I find the right time. Till my life is more steady and together. whenever that will happen. Everytime I think I am getting happy, something happens and fucks that up. My heart can't take it anymore. Maybe I am just tired of trying to run in this stupid rat race maybe I am just losing hope that things will ever truly change. I dont knwo I will just go on like i always do and figure it out as I go along.

posted by digitalsulis @ 12/11/2000 01:00:00 PM