I am currently without a means of income and unable to pay my rent. I am feeling more alone then ever. Even with all these people around I just don't feel like I really have anyone to mesh with anymore. Please don't take any offense if you are part of my life, I love that you are there I just don't feel like I have a connection with anyone anymore. Everyones lives are taking them in a different direction then towards me. Or maybe it is just that my life is taking me in a different direction then towards you. The funny part is that I enjoy the direction I see my life going now. I just wish I could get that feeling of safety and love back. Its not you guys its me.
I am not happy with the choices ahead of me and I am very very needy when it comes to affections. I miss being kissed and hugged and loved and yes fucked. Knowing that I am loved and wanted and wanting that person just as much. I just don't feel that connection in my life anymore and it makes me sad. I don't know what to do to get it back. All I know is being pissed at the world and crying every few days is not working for me. It goes against my very nature. Damnit Sulis is a Happy Girl!
I have been so busy with the kids I now part of the problem is not taking the time to care for myself. I have been on 4 field trips and 2 events in the last 3 weeks. I am exhausted and happy all at the same time. I love my kids. I want nothing more then for them to have everything they could possibly want. Course my oldest has decided that he doesn't love me anymore and wants to be as far away from me as possible. God that is so hard to hear from someone you love. It seems to be a recurring theme lately.
I think I will share with you a bit of my written diary I wrote the other night when I was feeling particularly upset about this issue.
Sulis diary entry 01MAY01:Once Soul was talking about rules and that just because you try to do the right thing doesn't mean that you should not be punished for it turning out wrong. For as the saying goes The road to hell is paved with good intentions. That is where I am on my way to hell. I try to show everyone love and compassion, to treat people the way I want to be treated. But it seems that I am greatly missing the mark.
A recurring theme has reared its ugly head this last few weeks. It has been brought to my attention by several people I won't name but they know who they are. That everyone I have ever been in contact with I have hurt, destroyed , or otherwised made thier life miserable. From my mother, right doewn to my children.
It seems my whole life has been one fucked up decision after another. Requireing me to spend my entire life playing cleanup for myself.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I mean I think that I am good person. I give my love unconditionally. I try to make the people in my life happy. What am I doing wrong? Why is that the more I love someone the more fucked up I make them feel? Am I stupid? Deficent in some way? Somehow unworthy of anyones love, unworthy of happiness?
As you can see I was feeling a little bit sorry for myself and makeing exscuses for why I should feel sorry for myself. Personally not a very attractive trait. So I guess what I really have to do is as kimiko is found of saying "deal". Try to act the way I want to feel and maybe it will happen. Or as TxAngel4Ever says "Just take it one day at a time.btw she is a total sweetie and has helped me deal with some really tough hard feelings in the last few months. She has been more of a mom then I think I have ever had.
Thank you TxAngel4Ever and Happy Mother's Day!
Anyways, for the next few weeks I will be fervently searching for new job. Wish me luck. I can use all the luck you can spare. Which reminds me on a page I surfed to from Souls page I found a quote that really struck me as true.
Id rather have a life then a living
And with that quote I shall leave you. Y'all don't forget to write. Love and kisses, sulis
